What Do You Really Want for Your Children?
An interview with Dr. Wayne Dyer
How often, as a parent or grandparent, do you wonder (and worry) whether you are capable of providing the guidance necessary for children to emerge as healthy, self-reliant, resilient and confident adults?
Dr. Wayne Dyer assures you: You can guide your children toward becoming compassionate, heart-centered adults who lead fulfilling, “no-limit” lives. The difficulties and challenges he overcame in his own childhood have made Dyer a remarkable teacher for adults, and children as well.
Dyer found the inspiration to write books by looking back at his own childhood experiences and looking into the future lives of his own children and grandchildren. Dyer’s father was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned his mother and two older brothers. With few options and fewer resources available to her, Dyer’s mother had to relinquish Wayne and his two older brothers to foster care. Dyer spent the first 10 years of his life in and out of Detroit orphanages and foster homes before his mother was able to reunite the family.
Determination and a positive attitude helped Dyer rise above adversity. He completed a tour of duty in the Navy, earned a doctorate in counseling psychology, and authored 30 books on motivation, spirituality and self-empowerment. Dyer credits his success to his ability to act on lessons he learned about self-reliance, resilience and faith. His message to adults and children is “any one of us can overcome adversity to make our dreams come true.”
Although he has achieved fame as a psychotherapist, teacher and motivational speaker (he’s been called “the father of motivation”), Dyer is proudest of his experiences as a father who has “raised eight children who all are self-reliant adults.” In this interview, he helps us understand that the power of parenting is not only about what we teach our children, but also our willingness to allow our children to be our teachers.
Before we talk about the important messages you have for parents and children, tell me about one of your most remarkable parenting moments.
As a father and grandfather, I’ve been blessed with abundant opportunities to be present with babies. My favorite parenting moment is holding them right out of the womb, cutting the cord, and holding them again. We can learn amazing lessons from observing babies and trying to emulate their joy.
You didn’t come forth into this world to suffer, to be anxious, fearful, stressful or depressed. They’ve done nothing to be so happy. Babies don’t work. They have no possessions, they poop in their pants, and they have no goals other than to grow and explore the world. They don’t have teeth or hair, and they’re pudgy and flatulent. How could they possibly be so joyful and easily pleased? They’re in a constant state of love—they’re still in harmony with the Source that intended them here. Be like that baby you once were. You don’t need a reason to be happy…your desire to be so is sufficient.
What did you learn from your most embarrassing parenting moment?
One time, when I was rushing the kids out of the house for school, I raised my voice at my daughter. She replied, “I wonder if all those people would buy a book from Mr. Positive if they saw the way he talks to his 9-year-old daughter?” Kids are very good at showing you your own behavior. What are you modeling to them?
When did a lesson you were trying to teach one of your kids take an unexpected turn?
Many times. Our children can be our greatest teachers if we allow it. One moment that is quite funny to me now was when my daughter was old enough to complain about how she was being parented. I explained to her that she chose her parents when coming into this world, and if she didn’t like the way I parent then she shouldn’t have chosen me. She replied, “I chose you? I must have been in a hurry.”
Recently, I overheard my daughter mimic me while she was “disciplining” her doll. Unfortunately, she wasn’t impersonating one of my better moments. Right away, I thought, “That’s not what I want.” So, let’s talk about what you believe parents really want for their children.
I think parents who are truly aware of themselves, their thoughts and behaviors and the impression these make upon a child, really want something deeper than the material measures of a successful life portrayed in the media. Over the years of being a parent, and having had the opportunity to ask parents this question, the answers gravitated around a central theme that I believe is as relevant today as was when I first wrote the book. Parents want their children to value themselves, to be self-reliant and independent, to take risks, to be free from stress and anxiety, to live peaceful lives, to celebrate present moments, to value wellness and creativity, and to feel a sense of purpose.
Is that realistic?
[Parenting is] the toughest job. The fact is, most parents don’t know how to balance what we truly want for our children and the realities we face each day because we have not learned that simple secret ourselves. With kids, you must live by example. If you yourself have not learned how to cultivate inner happiness that can carry you through adversity, you can’t teach that to your children. We want our children to grow into content, high-functioning, no-limit adults who can handle life’s challenges without getting so overwhelmed by outside forces or their own emotions that they feel defeated. If this is what you really want for your children then there’s no excuse why it can’t be realistic.
Let’s talk about “no limits,” because people are likely to misunderstand this concept when related to child-rearing.
A no-limit person—child or adult—has no internally imposed limitations and they refuse to allow outsiders to place any limits on them. It’s the same as saying self-actualized, conscious or inner-directed. This is a person who has high levels of self-respect, regardless of the situation. They are doers, not complainers. They are motivated by higher qualities, they are compassionate and concerned for others, they give to life rather than just seeking out what they can take from life. You can spot a no-limit person easily: They experience joy and inner peace even while everyone around them is going mad. They are the calm within the storm.
What is the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?
Teach only love. It’s also the best advice I could give.
This article appeared in Pathways to Family Wellness magazine, Issue 46.
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